3 May 2010
Successful Intentions Newsletter
Hi ,
Who's angry?
Not me. I'm the calm and patient one. You should see what I have to put up with from him/her/them!
What is anger? It's the inappropriate focus of your attention. It can be directed outwards - loudly and obviously, or it can be directed inwards - the silent treatment. In either case you are focusing on something or someone causing you to feel angry. Someone who has blatantly transgressed the Obvious Laws of the Universe According to ME:
- I'm the good guy and I'm (clearly!) right.
- I expect to feel comfortable, all the time (and if I'm uncomfortable YOU or THEY should do something about it!).
- People should like me, all the time (I don't deserve to be criticized!).
- Everything must happen exactly as I want it to.
- Life should always be fair.
- I don't have to tell you how I'm feeling, YOU should know.
- I matter in the scheme of things (don't YOU know who I am!).
Of course you can try to be patient. But that implies you're waiting for something. And there's only so much you can take before you lose it! Far better to have fortitude than patience. That's something you can do.
The trick is to get control of your anger. It is YOURS after all. It originates with you. You started it. And you're the one WITH the anger. So, notice what your anger feels like. Where is it located in your body? What are the sensations of anger? And notice what you're telling yourself when you're angry. Which of the Obvious Laws of the Universe According to ME are you reciting?
When we're angry, it's because we're afraid of losing something. Our rights, our possessions, our self-respect, our significance. And our biology is primed to use aggressive behaviour to protect against fear. Fight or flight.
So what is the fear that lies at the heart of your anger? What self-justification or rationalization are you using to hide from that which most frightens you?
Next time you're feeling angry, try reciting this (in your head) and direct it to the he/she/they causing your frustration:
- May you be safe,
- May you be healthy,
- May you be happy,
- May you live a life with ease.
This will tend to focus your attention more appropriately on the other person's fear and help you to exercise fortitude in managing your anger.
Take a look at some programs for managing emotions here.
And follow me on my "Wisdom Circle" blog for musings, research, and applications of practical wisdom!
Keep your intentions clear,
Peter Webb
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