22 February 2008
Successful Intentions Newsletter
Hi ,
Life's a game!
And if you don't know the rules then you're the one being played!
Game playing in the office can seem confusing and unfair but only when you don't know which game is being played. What are the rules for "My Idea is Bigger than Your Idea", or "Drop the Donkey", or "Bad Samaritan"? The outcome is always the same. They win, you lose. But what do they win? What we all crave - Recognition, Attention, Tell (our story), and Significance - RATS!
The most common game set-up is the "Dysfunctional Triangle". There are three players: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Saviour. A typical play looks like this:
- The Victim complains about being hard-done by ("it was better under the old regime!"), or not having enough time or resources ("it just can't be done that way!"), or not enough clear direction ("I don't remember you telling me to do that!"). But the game can't proceed without a
- Persecutor - someone representing the cause of the Victim's apparent misery. The Persecutor is task-driven ("just do it!"), insensitive ("I don't care if the dog ate your homework!"), and usually cruel ("if it wasn't for you we could have had this project finished weeks ago!"). As a two-hander this game can go on for months or years! But at some point it always draws in a
- Saviour who rides in to rescue the hapless Victim from the evil Persecutor. The Saviour expresses concern ("yes, I know, I know, …."), offers help ("I'll finish the job for you"), and is the go-to person for everything ("let me see it before it goes out").
What makes the Dysfunctional Triangle game interesting is that everyone changes roles. The Victim wins when you're doing for them what they can't (or won't) do for themselves. They need either a Persecutor or a Saviour to play with them. If you don't play along then you might find yourself being "persecuted" by the very person you thought you were "rescuing"! If you're too defensive against this "unfair attack" you've just taken up the role of Persecutor - exactly what the Victim needs. You lose, they win!
It turns out that we all play this game. Sometimes you feel under attack (Victim), or you need to prove yourself (Persecutor), or you need others to depend on you (Saviour). But the game can only be played if the other roles are present. What good is the Saviour without Victims? What's the point of the Persecutor without someone to attack? Why be a Victim when no-one else but me is responsible?
The trick is don't play in the first place! Here are some hints about how to avoid being drawn in:
- Encourage the Victim to become more self-reliant. Question their motives.
- Confront the Persecutor honestly and openly. Call them on their game.
- Suggest ways the Saviour can let go and delegate more effectively.
- Invite the "player" to tell you want they want from you - this clarifies which of the 3 roles they want you to play.
- Say what you would prefer to have happen - this exposes the game.
- Be clearly compassionate, understanding, and demanding of others. Set up a more "virtuous" game and get others to play by your rules.
To know more about the games you play , come to the Wisdom in Leadership® one-day Workshop to be held on Friday March 14th 2008 at Melbourne Business School's Sydney Campus in Pyrmont. There are still a few places available.
For more information simply download the brochure here (but be patient, it may take a little time!)
Or go directly to the website here.
Keep your intentions clear,
Peter Webb
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