22 May 2006
Successful Intentions Newsletter
Hi ,
If talk is cheap, then how come the most costly experiences in life often happen through talking?!
Have you ever said something you later regretted? Have you later wished you had said more? The wrong kind of talk can cost you respect, a promotion, a relationship. Our lives are lived as a "series of conversations" according to Deborah Tannen, author of several books on communicating including, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (2001), and The Argument Culture: Moving from Debate to Dialogue (1999). We succeed or fail "one conversation at a time" says Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations (2002).
But which conversation will make the difference? The one where "(1) the stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong", according to the authors of Crucial Conversations (2002).
Difficult Conversations
It seems that if you want to build relationships, if you want to get ahead, if you want to manage talent in your team, then you'd better get good at talking, especially when the stakes are high. "The character of a man is known from his conversations" wrote Menander, the Athenian comic poet of the fourth century. How good are your conversations?
| "If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies" Moshe Dayan (1915-1981) |
We avoid the "difficult conversation", but what's the cost of not having it? Think of someone you need to approach for a difficult conversation and then answer these questions honestly:
- What's the situation (and the history) with this person?
- What do I fear most about having this conversation?
- What is the cost of not having it?
- What is my intention for this relationship?
Now, complete the following sentences to help you confidently "frame" the opening part of the conversation:
- "I'd like to talk to you about…"
- "My observations are…"
- "I feel…"
- "What's at stake here is…"
- "Perhaps I contributed to this…"
- "My intention for having this conversation with you is…"
- "How do you see it?"
The opening statement must finish with a question to allow the other person's take on things. Remember, "He who asks the questions controls the conversation!". Keep it clear, and short (no more than 45-60 seconds). This is the ENGAGE skill:
- Enter the topic and your observation: A specific example of the behaviour observed, or the situation you want to change.
- Name your feelings: Describe your emotional response - whatever emotion is true for you.
- Gauge what is at stake: Clarify what is at stake. In other words, why is this issue important for you, for others, for the organization?
- Acknowledge your contribution: Briefly acknowledge any role you may have played in creating the problem.
- Give your clear intention: Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
- Enable a response: Invite the person to respond; "how do you see it?" "What's your position?"
The Enemy Within
Is talking the same as thinking? Language contains hidden assumptions based on our attitudes, beliefs and values. We think in visual images before we think in words. And that means we get emotional when the way we picture events gets exaggerated. It's all in your head!
The sequence looks like this:
- (A) an event triggers an interpretation through a series of thoughts experienced as,
- (B) self talk, which creates,
- (C) feelings, and leads to,
- (D) behaviours.
So, what we say is a reflection of how we feel and what we think about a particular situation: A - B - C - D.
Talking thoughtfully comes from reviewing the thinking that caused your emotional responses to a particular situation, and then using your mind to make choices that are more affirming to yourself and others. Use the REVIEW skill to ask yourself these questions about a triggering event:
- Recreate the triggering event: "When were you first aware of (the situation)?"
- Encourage recollection of thoughts: "What were your thoughts at that point?"
- Verify feelings: "What were you feeling then?"
- Identify action taken: "What did you choose to do?"
- Express Alternative actions: "What other choices could you have made?"
- Welcome suggestions (Wrap-up): "What action will you take now (in the future)?"
Look Who's Talking Now!
, an old Mexican Proverb says "conversation is food for the soul". So, notice when your emotions get caught by what someone says to you in conversation, take a deep breath (or a sip of water), recognize your self talk and turn to your PET's (Positive Effective Thoughts) before choosing what to say next. It could mean the difference between feast or famine!
Watch out for the next edition of the Successful Intentions Newsletter
Keep your intentions clear,
Peter Webb
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