21 March 2005
Successful Intentions Newsletter
Hi ,
Dealing with difficult people is a lot like catching toads. They can be evasive, unpleasant, and downright ugly. But if you don't do something about it their influence will poison you and spread right throughout the office!
Toads pop up everywhere. They can be in your team, they can be clients, they can be colleagues, and of course they can be your supervising manager! Here's how you can recognize toads:
- They appear to like causing emotional pain in others.
- They exhibit some level of incompetence through indecisiveness, or over-control, or just plain underperformance.
- They tend to betray trust by making promises but not following through, by passing others ideas off as their own, or by undermining others.
- They lack awareness of how their own emotions affect other people.
- They can "charm" others into believing they are invaluable, getting them to do things they wouldn't otherwise do, such as covering for them or working back late.
- They seem to have unrealistic expectations about themselves, their projects, or the work environment.
Like it or not , you're going have to handle a few toads in the course of your career! Knowing how to do it effectively can mean the difference between promotion and stagnation.
Here are the three principles of engaging toads:
- Do engage toads when you need to. Don't put it off. Remember, to confront simply means to bring an issue "face-to-face".
- Observe toads in their natural habitat. Pay careful attention to their typical behviours. In particular, notice what effect their behaviours have on you!
- Prepare in advance before confronting a toad. Plan thoroughly. Get the facts.
When the time is right, ENGAGE the toad:
- Enter your observations, with a specific example of the observed behaviour or the situation you want to change. This sounds like: "My observation is…"
- Name your feelings in response to the observed behaviour: "How I feel about this is…"
- Gauge what's at stake. Why is this issue important for you, for others, or for the organization? This sounds like: "What's at stake is…"
- Acknowledge any contribution you may have made to the issue, knowingly or unknowingly: "I may have contributed to this through…"
- Give your clear intention to resolve the issue: "My intention in having this discussion is to…"
- Enable a response from the participant and then give them space to answer: "So, how do you see it?"
This approach, delivered in 60 seconds or less, frames the discussion which follows. You still have to arrive at some agreement, but the chances are good that you will feel more in control.
But what if you don't have time to properly ENGAGE the toad? The best defence is to send in an OWL:
- Observations: Be clear and honest about what you're seeing or observing.
- What's at stake: Get sharp about what the implications of this might be.
- Lead into discussion: Immediately invite a response so you can see where they're coming from.
Sending in an OWL might sound like this:
"What I'm observing here is that you're changing the specifications of the project. What's at stake is that the deadline will be compromised and costs will go up. How do you see it?"
Of course, the more you step up and ENGAGE toads the more you notice that many of them turn into frogs and are actually quite nice! It helps to detach yourself from your own emotional reactions and to observe the toad as a natural part of the "office ecosystem". Your mission - should you decide to accept it - is to show toads other ways of being that are ultimately more productive for them and for everyone else!
, in the next Successful Intentions Newsletter I'll give you some techniques for coaching in one minute or less!
Keep your intentions clear,
Peter Webb
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